


This Doesn't Hurt

by GenericUsername01



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Soulmate problems, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trope Subversion, references to domestic abuse, soulmate rejection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 06:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15745758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericUsername01/pseuds/GenericUsername01
Summary: Jim's soulmark is the imprint of a fist slamming into his face.





	This Doesn't Hurt

Winona let out a broken sob when he was born and placed into her arms. She couldn't look away from it, from the tiny black blob on her baby's face. There was only one touch that mark could possibly be from.

 _"What is it?"_ George asks over the commlink.

"It's a boy," Winona said flatly.

 _"A boy?"_ George sounds breathless, ecstatic. He doesn't know. He can't see the mark.  _"Tell me about him."_

"He's beautiful," she said. She feels lost. She feels the pain of failure already. Her little baby boy is destined to be abused. She's already failed to protect him, failed as a mother, and he hasn't even been out in the world for two minutes yet. "George, you should be here."

Maybe if he had a father, a protective, intimidating, Starfleet father--

_"What are we gonna call him?"_

"We can name him after your father." Tiberius. A good name, a strong name, one from the ancient Romans of old. The name of a hero. His own hero.

 _"Tiberius? Are you kidding me? No, that's the worst,"_ George said.  _"Let's name him after your dad. Let's call him Jim."_

She can't look away from that horrible soulmark. "Jim. Okay. Jim it is."

_"Sweetheart, can you hear me?"_

"I hear you."

_"I love you so much. I love you--"_

* * *

Jim is four the first time he asks why Mommy doesn't look at him.

"It's because of your soulmark," Sammy explained. "Your soulmate punches you in the face."

"Oh," Jim said. He rubbed at his face, touching the soulmark lightly. "That's mean. Why would they do that?"

Sam shrugged. "Maybe they don't like you."

* * *

He doesn't really grasp the concept of domestic abuse until years later. It's not until he's ten that he has a real idea of what that is.

He knows that his teachers treat him weird and are extra gentle and sometimes ask if things are okay at home. A lot, actually. He's been pulled out into the hall a few times so that they can explain that people shouldn't touch others in a certain way, and to ask if anyone does that to him.

He's in fourth grade when a specialist comes in and talks to the class about adults and inappropriate touching and how they should be treated. They explain abuse in generic, kid-friendly terms. Their eyes keep coming to land on Jimmy, and they spend an extra long time explaining that you should never let your boyfriend or girlfriend hit you.

So Jimmy is ten and he goes home and he researches domestic abuse on the holonet.

He stands in front of the mirror and traces over his soulmark worriedly. It's clearly the imprint of a fist. It's sideways on his left cheek, right in the center of it. His soulmate is right-handed.

It doesn't hurt to touch but it feels like it should, like it's a bruise rather than a soulmark. He knows that's just his mind playing tricks on him. It doesn't hurt. He's just anticipating future pain, as if it's already there. Destiny. It's as good as already done.

He makes his decision, right then and there. He will  _never_ get involved with his soulmate. No matter what. No matter what they say or do, how sweet or gentle they seem. They're his soulmate. They'll seem perfect to him. Everything about them will make him want to stay, against his own best interest. And he'll be being abused and beat the whole time.

Hell. Their very first act is to punch him in the face. He supposed he was lucky, in a way. They might have started out gentle. Their first touch might have been a caress that lulled him into a false sense of security. This way, he knows what to expect right from the get-go. This way, he knows never to trust them. That anything and everything they do is just to get him compliant and trapped and so in love he can't think before they show their true colors.

Well, not Jim. He's not gonna let that happen. He got incredibly lucky. He got a warning. He knows to be on guard.

He wishes he could go his whole life without meeting them, but he knows that's not how soulmates work.

* * *

There are some people who date others, fool around while they're waiting to meet their soulmate. A lot choose to wait, however, liking the idea of the absolute surety that their  _soulmate_ is their first, their last, their only. After all, why would they want anyone else?

Jim is fourteen when he has his first kiss with a girl who is not his soulmate. She's the other kid closest to his age in their little camp on Tarsus.

Her soulmark is a black lip print on her cheek, a kiss mark. It's beautiful, and she's lucky.

Her soulmate was killed in Kodos' first round of executions. The kiss was to say goodbye. So Jim gives her a new one, and she smiles like she understands, and she touches him with the utmost gentleness. She's giving him new touches as much as he is her.

She dies three weeks later. Shot in the back while running from guards, after she and Jim got caught stealing food.

And Jim screamed and fell down at her body and the guards caught up to him. One grabs him over his clothed shoulder, yanks him around, and punches him in the face. Jim is numb, horrified.

The guards resets his phaser, aims at Jim's face, and he throws up his hands. "Wait! Wait!"

"Why?" the guard asks. His companion has caught up with him now, and points a second phaser straight at him.

Jim breathes, chest heaving. He closes his eyes for a second, then opens them with new determination. "If you let me go, you let me take the food, I'll do anything," he said. "Anything."

The guards looked at each other, and slow leers spread across their faces.

* * *

Jim got into fights. All the time.

He's been punched in the face so many times now. He imagines he's getting desensitized to it. That it'll barely hurt at all when his soulmate finally punches him. After all, by now, he would hardly be the first and he's definitely had worse.

He thinks, sometimes, that maybe he's already met them. That maybe that stranger in the bar last week was his soulmate. That maybe they walked in and out of his life in the span of a half an hour and he'll never see them again. That he's safe, he's free now, and he can let his guard down.

He knows that isn't true, of course. Everyone knows when you touch your soulmate for the first time. The marks light up, glowing brilliant white ass the connection is made. Jim has seen it happen before. Two classmates trading snacks from their lunches when their hands suddenly brush and glow. A very eventful game of tag in fifth grade. A parent teacher conference where handshakes were the standard greeting. Two teenagers bumping into each other on the street, snarling casual insults before they noticed the glow.

It's a beautiful thing.

Sam has a standard handshake mark, and he hates it, hates that he'll meet his soulmate in some boring official capacity like a business meeting or something. Jim always got this slow burning anger in his chest whenever he would complain about it, and eventually Sam noticed, and stopped.

Jim is twenty, fighting and fucking his way through Iowa, when he gets a call from him saying he's get married. To his boss. Who he met in a business meeting. Jim howls with laughter for ten whole minutes before listening to Sam gush about how great and smart and beautiful Aurelan is. He's happy for him, really.

He gets drunk at the wedding, sleeps with two bridesmaids, and one of their dads gives him a black eye. He's practically grinning on the shuttle back to Earth.

Winona's mark is along the curve of her ear. George had brushed a lock of her hair back on a study date at a library, before they even got together. Their skin had lit up at the touch, and apparently time had stopped and the world ceased turning, and then they fell together in their first kiss. It's horrifically romantic.

Jim has never remembered his mother to have long hair. Sam said she used to before dad died, she just always kept it pulled back or up to expose the mark. After he was gone, though, apparently that wasn't enough.

She tells the story to everyone. Jim's heard it a thousand times. She touches her mark occasionally, when she thinks no one's looking. Closes her eyes and runs a finger along her ear. Jim knows she's pretending it's not her own.

* * *

Jim is very, very used to pitying looks. Nobody questions why he doesn't seek his soulmate out, why he contents himself with sleeping around. People take one look at him and understand that the drinking and fighting and hacking and sex is probably the best case scenario for him. At least he isn't with his soulmate. However he chooses to cope with that is his business.

He's tried covering the mark up. He's used pounds of makeup, face paint, tried tattoo removal. Nothing worked. Scientists don't exactly know what soul ink is, but they do know it's meant to be seen.

Jim is drunkenly hitting on a Starfleet cadet who has clearly seen his soulmark by now and didn't react in the slightest, didn't even make the usual shocked/horrified/pitying expression of someone who has just realized that soulmates can be abusive, too. Then a giant male cadet takes issue with that and punches him straight in his soulmark.

Jim doesn't see the telltale glow, though, and the four cadets beat him bloody and limp, sprawled on a table. He feels a slight thrill run through him, they might kill him, but then someone whistles and everyone stops.

* * *

Half of Jim's face is covered in congealed blood and Pike wants to wax philosophical about his dead hero dad and the nature of heroism or some bullshit.

"I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor. Your aptitude tests are off the charts. So what is it? You like being the only genius-level repeat offender in the Midwest?"

There is a gigantic bruise under his soulmark. Jim can feel it throbbing. His face was halfway to bashed in before Pike showed up. He wonders what sort of state his first meeting with his soulmate will leave him in. If he'll even live through it.

The person who he is  _destined to love_ is a violent individual who probably gets off on inflicting pain. "Maybe I love it," Jim said.

"So your dad dies. You can settle for a less than ordinary life. Or do you feel like you were meant for something better?"

Jim laughs bitterly and gestures to his soulmark. "I was meant for far worse, Captain Pike."

"Enlist in Starfleet."

"Enli--" He breaks off on a laugh. "You guys must be way down on your recruiting quota for the month."

"If you're half the man your father was, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years, have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada. And more than that, it's a fresh start. It's an escape." He looked around the pathetic dive bar that Jim practically lived in and would probably die in. "Life's dealt you a shitty hand, kid. I won't lie to you. But you don't have to accept that. You can take control of your own life, your own destiny. Your soulmate doesn't have to control you."

Jim glared hard at him. Pike wasn't fazed.

"Riverside Shipyard. Shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow, 0800."

* * *

A scruffy doctor with the scent of alcohol on his breath sits on Jim's left side, and he grimaces. He purposely chose a seat where the one on his left would be empty.

If the doctor pities his soulmark, he gives no indication of it. He just turns to Jim and threatens, "I may throw up on you."

"I think these things are pretty safe," he says.

It was apparently the wrong thing to say, because that sparks a diatribe on precisely how  _un_ safe these things are, along with a list of many painful ways in which humans can die in space. It visibly disturbs a number of the cadets around them.

Jim decides he likes this guy.

Then he offers him a sip from his flask and yeah, Jim definitely likes this guy.

* * *

Nobody can  _prove_ that he hacked into the administrative network to make Bones his roommate. It's pretty much common knowledge, and Pike gave him a disapproving lecture over it, but Jim technically has not done anything wrong. That they can prove.

Bones's soulmark is a press of black on his palm, the ghosts of fingers threading through his own. Jocelyn has the exact match. They were fifteen when they went on their first date, and he had tentatively asked if he could hold her hand. Jim laughed and called him a sap.

They had gotten married right after graduation.

"Everyone always assumes your soulmate is a sure thing," Bones groused one night when they were drinking. He hadn't talked to anyone about this, not yet. It was still so recent and he had moved away and he was a man of few friends. But if anyone would understand, it would have to be Jim. "Jocelyn and I had never been in a relationship before. We were way too young, didn't have a damn clue what we were doing. And on top of that, we knew we wanted kids, so we decided to have one right away. Joanna's almost ten now, and she says she never wants to meet her soulmate so she won't be sad like we are."

"I don't blame her," Jim said. "I never want to meet my soulmate either. My mom met hers, and it ruined her whole life. I think the whole is a pile of bullshit."

"Damn straight," Bones said. "Fuckin' destiny or whatever. As if we need some stupid mark to tell us who to love. Love should happen natural or it shouldn't happen at all."

"I'll drink to that," Jim said, refilling their glasses.

They don't go any deeper than that until their in their second semester of their third year. Bones gets a comm from Jocelyn. Joanna met her soulmate and tried to runaway with him. She was missing for sixteen hours. Bones was a mess, couldn't leave their dorm room. He drank and paced and worried out loud, and Jim let him vent.

The police eventually found Joanna, in a park with her nineteen-year-old soulmate. She cried hysterically when her mother dragged her back home and filed for a restraining order. Bones went pale and deadly silent for a long time when Joss called to inform him. Jim hovered over him nervously, hid all the alcohol just in case.

"She's only thirteen," he said. "She's just a little girl. A child. In middle school, for crying out loud. What the hell is some-- some nineteen-year-old-- why would he..."

"It's okay," Jim said. "Joss got a restraining order. He won't come anywhere near her again."

"He's her soulmate," Bones said brokenly. "She'll sneak out. She'll wanna see him. She doesn't know what the hell she's getting herself into. She's just a child."

"Joss'll keep her safe," Jim said, with false confidence. He didn't know a damn thing about Joss, except that she was Bones's soulmate and she divorced him, for reasons Jim couldn't possibly imagine.

Jim gets him talking about classes and work at the clinic for about an hour but somehow they end up back on the topic of soulmates anyway.

"She cheated on me," Bones said, knocking back a drink that Jim has finally let him have. "My dad was dying. I was working night and day to find a cure. I'd been pulling long hours before, sure, but then somehow three weeks passed without me even coming home, maybe a month and a half since I've actually seen and talked to her. The only reason I even came home from the hospital then was 'cause... 'cause I didn't have a reason to be there anymore. I make a beeline for the bedroom, and I find her in there with one of my best friends."

"That bitch," Jim said.

"Our marriage had been failing for years before that. Since I started med school, I think. I was never around and Joss, well, she was lonely."

"That's no excuse," Jim said. "Marriage is forever. You get married, you stick it out. Through good times and bad. It's right there in the vows."

"Sometimes divorce is the best option for everybody, kid."

"Well, yeah, in certain circumstances. You can't be expected to stick around with a cheater."

"Or an abuser."

"Right," Jim said. "Or an abuser."

They lapsed into silence for a while, each staring morosely into their drinks.

"Have you met them?" Bones asked.

"Nah," Jim said. "Nothing's changed."

"Good. Stay the fuck away from whoever they are, kid. They don't deserve you."

"Bones, can you promise me something?" he asked. "When I meet them, don't let me get involved. Don't let me be with them. No matter who they or what the circumstances are. No matter what excuses I give. It's  _not_ different. Don't let me think it is. Don't-- don't let me--"

"I won't, kid," Bones said. "I swear it. As long as I live and breathe, I will keep your soulmate away from you."

He let out a gush of relief, a breath he might have been holding for years now. "Thank you, Bones. You're--" he laughed. "You're a lifesaver."

* * *

Cave Spock's mark is the brush of fingertips along the back of his neck. Even just the imprint of it looks loving. Jim figures he was probably pulled in for a kiss almost immediately after. A weird thing to think about, admittedly, but also nice. He seems nothing like his younger counterpart, and he just lost his home planet, and he's stranded in an alternate universe on a hellish ice planet. At least before all that happened, he had the comfort of a loving soulmate.

"Wait," Jim says. "Where you came from... did my soulmate-- where they...?"

Cave Spock waits patiently for him to finish the question.

"Come on," he said. "You can see my mark. You know what I'm asking here. Did they beat me?"

He looks pained. "No, Jim," he said. "Never."

It's an instant relief.

For about five minutes. Cave Spock may call him 'old friend,' but how close were he and his counterpart really? The other Jim might have been being abused and Spock just hadn't known it. Maybe his counterpart had been ashamed, had been brainwashed into keeping it a secret, into lying and covering up for his soulmate.

Maybe the other Jim hadn't been given a clear warning. Maybe he had gotten sucked in with no clue what was happening until it was far too late, and his soulmate kept him in a living hell for decades.

Jim felt cold deep inside and it had nothing to do with the ice.

* * *

Bones already has plenty of reasons to hate Spock.

Getting called to the bridge out of his frantic medbay to have a horrible conversation just adds fuel to the fire.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked.

"Yes, Doctor," Spock said, rising from his chair. "I am aware that James Kirk is a friend of yours. I recognize that supporting me as you did must have been difficult."

"Is that a thank you?"

"I am simply acknowledging your difficulties."

"Permission to speak freely, sir." It isn't a question, nor a request. Spock is pleased nonetheless. In truth, this conversation is entirely pointless and certainly not worth dragging the CMO out of medbay for. But Spock has a... personal interest, in ascertaining the depths of the doctor's regard for Kirk. He cannot explain it logically. He merely knows that they have displayed loyalty that goes beyond the parameters of normal human male friendship. It is also possible Spock behaved somewhat emotionally in his treatment of Kirk thus far, which is illogical. The cadet should not have been able to incite such a reaction from him. He finds himself quite curious about the human.

It is logical for his justified curiosity to extend to his interpersonal relationships and whether that of he and the doctor's is romantic in nature. He finds the possibility probable, but strangely unsettling.

However, it is to be expected that his logic is not flawless on this of all days. It is beyond excusable. He will simply need to schedule more time for meditation later. For now, he is indulging in an illogical impulse.

"I welcome it," he said.

"Do you? Okay then," the doctor said. "Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making the logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But the right one? Y'know, back home, we got a saying, 'if you're gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prize stallion in the stable.'"

"A curious metaphor, Doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential."

The doctor looks him over like he's slime on the bottom of his shoe. "My god, man, you could at least act like it was a hard decision."

* * *

"What is it with you, Spock? Hm? Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered, and... you're not even upset."

"If you are presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship, you are mistaken."

"And yet, you are the one who said fear is necessary for command. I mean, did you see his ship? Did you see what he did?"

"Yes of course I did."

"So are you afraid or aren't you?"

"I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion."

"Then why don't you stop me?"

"Step away from me, Mr. Kirk."

"What is it like not to feel anger? Or heartbreak? Or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?"

"Back away from me."

"You feel nothing! It must not even compute for you. You never loved her!"

Spock yelled incoherently, an unintelligible roar of anger, and struck him across the side of his face. He grabs Jim by the front of his uniform and beats him mercilessly, enraged Vulcan strength bulldozing over a weaker human. Jim sees the hint of a glow fading fast from Spock's fingers and he knows this is it, he's met his soulmate. It's so much worse than he had imagined. The pain is agonizing, excruciating, and Spock shows no signs of letting up, doesn't hold back at all. Jim is his personal punching bag to vent his anger on.

He's thrown down on Chekov's console, lifted back up and smacked around a few times until he lands on Sulu's instead. Spock shoves his legs apart to stand between them, holds him down, and chokes him one-handed.

Jim has been beat before, many times and by many people. He's come close to being beat to death a few times. But he's never been so sure it would happen as he is now, gasping for breath at the hands of his soulmate.

Spock glares down at him viciously and tightens his grip. The edges of his vision are starting to get fuzzy. The room is darkening.

He's going to die.

He tears his eyes away from Spock's because he can't bear to look at his soulmate while he kills him.

"Spock!"

The grip tightens, flexes, relaxes. Suddenly it's gone and Jim is left choking and gasping, the skin around his soulmark an angry red.

Spock says something, Jim can't make it out from all the ringing in his ears as blood rushes back into his head. He manages to peel his body off the console.

And he takes command of his ship.

* * *

After all is said and done, they make Jim's field promotion permanent. They give him command of the Enterprise and two shiny new medals.

They also make Spock his First Officer.

It's non-optional. Spock is his soulmate. He's the pride and joy of the Academy. He's the only Starfleet member of an endangered species. Making the two of them a command team is something out of a public relations agent's wet dream. They're made to pose for dozens of carefully angled publicity photos, to be plastered all over recruitment posters. They return to Earth to face a tightly-controlled hero's welcome, televised on almost every news channel.

He tells the admiralty that making Spock his First isn't necessary. They ignore him, laughing about how he should be thanking them. So he tells them it's not desired either, and he is informed in clear and concise terms that if he wants the Enterprise, then Spock has to come with it.

And like hell is he going to let his fucking soulmate rip his lifelong dream away from him. No. No, Spock doesn't get that. He doesn't get to take the Enterprise. Jim turned his whole life around after it went to shit to get here, and anyone who wants to take this one good thing away from him will have to pry it from his cold, dead, fingers.

And that's exactly what he tells Bones. It's the only reason he doesn't drag Jim out of Starfleet by his ears. He  _informs_ Jim that he's his CMO now.

Even Pike doesn't side with him. He tries to convince Jim that Spock is different. That he probably won't hit him again. That Spock is a good man and would never abuse someone. That he should give Spock a chance and at least try out a relationship with him.

Jim stops talking to him after that. He's heard stories. People who are friends with abusers and refuse to believe cold, hard facts. Who would rather turn a blind eye to the abuse than point a finger at their friend.

And he's heard of abuse victims who bought their every word hook, line, and sinker, and when they had previously so close to getting away or reporting it, they now started making excuses, started doubting their own perception. Thinking  _they_ were the one who was wrong, that their partner would never hit them again, that they asked for it, provoked them into violence through some flaw on their part.

It's bullshit. It's gaslighting. It keeps victims with their abusers, and Jim isn't gonna listen to it.

He realizes that he set out to emotionally compromise Spock. But he never... expected that. He thought the guy would just scream at him or something. Attempted murder did not cross his mind.

So the way he sees it, Spock's already had his chance, already shown his violent inclinations. He won't get another.

He tells all this to Bones too, and the man is so blatantly relieved. He hugs Jim hard, and does his best to make sure he's never alone with Spock. He acts as living Spock-repellent, actually, and Jim has never been so grateful to his friend. His prickly, abundantly protective friend.

Bones feels like safety to him and it's a balm on all the anxiety Spock's existence produces.

Eventually, Spock comes to talk to him in private, the way Jim always feared-- knew-- he would.

"Captain," he said. "I believe we have a personal matter of some import to discuss."

Jim considers closing the door to his quarters in his face. But then he might just try to talk to him again later. Better make his stance on this clear now.

"Alright," he said.

Spock hesitated. "May I come in?"

"No!" Jim said quickly. "Uh, if you aren't comfortable talking here, then we can go to the observation deck."

"I would prefer a private location."

"Just say what you need to say, Spock."

"Very well," he said. "We are soulmates. I wish to enter a committed, monogamous romantic relationship with you."

"No," Jim said.

"No?"

"No."

"I see," he said. "May I ask why?"

Jim pointed at his soulmark. "Why do you think, Spock?"

"I would like to deeply apologize for that."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"I was under severe emotional strain, as well as suffering from a broken bond--"

"I don't care what your excuses are."

"I-- of course. Nevertheless, I offer my deepest, sincerest regrets and apologies. My actions against you were inexcusable and abhorrent. I do not expect you to forgive me immediately, or at any point in the near future. I am willing to take as long as is necessary to make this up to you and convince you of my true regard. Never again will I touch you with harmful intent. You are my soulmate, my t'hy'la, and I shall live to cherish you."

"You done yet?"

Spock seemed caught off guard. "Negative. I will do anything you require to earn your forgiveness. I merely wish to inform you of that."

"What if it's nothing?" Jim said. "What if you broke my trust the day I was born? What if your soulmark has spent every day since then hurting me further? What if you were the reason my own mother could never stand to look at me? The reason almost every person I meet looks at me with pity? What if I could never  _possibly_ trust you out of every being in the galaxy and it's  _because_ you're my soulmate?"

Spock floundered, clearly have no response. He seemed to gather his thoughts, and opened his mouth--

Jim closed the door on him.


End file.
